The Courage to Say No So You Can Say Yes to What Matters

This year, I’ve encouraged my clients to adopt a Courage Mindset; not just for big leaps, but for the small, uncomfortable choices that ultimately shape a meaningful career and life. One of the most powerful of those choices is learning to say no. Many of us struggle to do it, especially leaders and high performers who are capable, trusted, and accustomed to being the ones who step up. But every hour spent on low-priority work is an hour not spent on strategic thinking, developing your team, or your own goals that advance the mission forward. Without the courage to say no, we run the risk of over-committing and under-delivering, trading being impactful for just being busy.

So why do we say yes more than we say no? Our yes isn’t always for the altruistic reason we tell ourselves. We may frame it as being helpful, collaborative, or supportive, but in reality, it may be driven more by our desire to be liked, avoid conflict, or maintain a certain reputation. While the intention may be well-meaning, the impact can be costly: we trade our limited time, energy and focus for priorities that belong to someone else.

Over time, this pattern doesn’t actually serve anyone. The commitments we agree to may receive less than our best, resentment can build beneath the surface, personal health and well-being may suffer, and the things that truly matter to us get pushed further down the list.

We need to remember that saying yes is an intentional choice; and so is saying no. Instead of automatically saying yes, we need to consider whether if saying no is the better choice. Then we can say no confidently, intentionally and most importantly, without guilt.

Here’s a simple framework to use when it’s time to say no:

1. Understand Why You’re Saying No

Before saying that three-letter word, pause and consider whether the reason for saying no is better for you (and others) than saying yes. Reframe your thinking around the word no.

We often assume saying no will harm the other person. We worry we’ll seem unhelpful, damage the relationship, disappoint them, or miss an opportunity to be seen as reliable. So we say yes even when we don’t have the time, energy, or expertise to do the request well.

But a thoughtful no can actually be more helpful. When you know it’s in everyone’s best interest to decline, you give the other person the opportunity to find someone else with the capacity, timeline, or skills instead.

Consider how saying no can address the fears that make you want to say yes:

• I don’t want to let them down. —> I won’t be able to make this deadline or expectation.

• I want to be helpful. —> I can point them toward someone else that assist.

• This might hurt our relationship. —> I always want to give them my best and that won’t happen.

• I might miss out. —> I’ve already chosen other opportunities that meet my goals.

A well-intentioned no communicates respect for your time, your commitments, and the other person’s needs. In other words, you are saying “I want you to succeed, and I’m not the right person to do it under these circumstances.”

When you’re clear on what you’re protecting, saying no stops feeling like guilt and starts feeling like responsible decision-making.

2. Effectively Communicate How to Say No

You can say no without over-explaining or self-justifying. A no can still be respectful, direct, and kind. You don’t always owe a detailed defense of your time.

Instead of long apologies, be straightforward and sincere. Start your response with the honest reason you are saying no:

• I don’t have the time/energy/focus to take this on right now.

• I don’t have the capacity/knowledge/experience to do this well.

• I need to honor my current deadlines/priorities/commitments.

Saying no also doesn’t mean abandoning the person. If you want to be helpful, offer a smaller contribution you can realistically commit to or offer another option that helps them succeed.

For example:

• I can’t lead this, but I can review the plan and offer suggestions.

• I’m not available this week, but we can reconnect next week if you still need support.

• I can’t attend, but I can see if someone else on my team is available.

This helps maintain and preserve your relationships while protecting your needs.

3. When You Must Say Yes, Know What Else Becomes a No

There are going to be times you saying no isn’t an option, most likely when requests come from your boss or senior leadership. These situations require clarity and tact, not a reluctant yes or avoidance. The key is to frame it around priorities and outcomes, not perceived personal preference.

When a new request comes in that requires a yes, recognize and communicate that something else will receive less attention. Make the tradeoffs visible by opening the conversation with:

• I can take this on, but to do it well I would need to shift my time from my current priorities. Here are my recommendations. Which would you prefer I deprioritize?

• I want to deliver strong results on my work, and adding this right now could compromise that. What options are available to ensure everything gets done successfully (e.g. deadline extensions, additional support, reassigned tasks)?

My personal tip:
I communicate frequently on where my time is going. When meeting with my supervisor, I use a pie chart to show how my time is allocated to priorities and make sure it is aligned with their expectations. If something new comes along, we revisit my pie chart together and determine where I will spend less time so we are both clear on my revised priorities.

Leaders appreciate transparency about capacity more than automatically saying yes without understanding the tradeoffs.

BOTTOM LINE:

Saying no is rarely about capacity; it’s about courage. A thoughtful no creates space for what matters most and builds trust with others at the same time. People learn that when you say yes, you truly mean it and will follow through to the best of your ability.

A no creates space for what matters most to you. For example, if saying no freed up five hours in your week, what would you do with that time? It could create space for:

• Deep, innovative work instead of giving distracted or scattered effort

• Meaningful relationships instead of obligatory ones

• Progress toward your own goals versus others’ priorities

• Putting creativity or joy into your work instead of just going through the motions

Your time is one of your most valuable, non-renewable resources. If you don’t choose how to spend it, others will try to take it from you. Saying no protects what you want to say yes to, both now and in the future. And that is a courageous yes worth defending.